Lenten Musings

Well, Lent is halfway over, or thereabouts.  I must say that in many of my resolutions, I have been a complete failure.  It's amazing how much I've learned that the tiniest little slip-up--peeking at one of your wonderful blogs, for example--never, NEVER satisfies my need for a teeny tiny slip-up, but always, without exception, just leads to more cheating.  As in, "well, since I had that one cookie, I may as well have a few more."  This makes me glad that I'm trying to give up more than one thing for Lent...surely I'll make it through with one or two of my attempted sacrifices intact, right?   :(  (Sacrificing my beloved Diet Coke and eating vegetarian are still going strong!  In fact, for some yum-a-licious meatless recipes that we've tried this week, check here and here and here!)

But back to this issue of one slip-up leading to more slip-ups...isn't that just the darn truth?  It's like a tiny little crack in the dam or something...it never gets littler, only bigger.  Perhaps this is my lesson to be learned this Lent:  Don't give in to sin, ever, even a little bit.  Sin begets sin.

But that's only my little Lenten lesson.  I think that my beloved Lord has a bigger one for me this year...

This Lent I am learning that really, truly, I am a hopeless failure in ways more profound than cheating on cookies.  I have never felt this way before in my life--not really, not in this wallowing-in-despair kind of way.  I mean, honestly...all I want to do is de-clutter my house while the kids are in school, pursue some focused spiritual reading, and turn up the volume on my prayer life; is that really asking so much of myself?  Lots of people manage to do these things!  What is the matter with me?  Don't get me wrong--I've done a bit of each, and I'm certainly not ready to throw up my hands in despair and just give up in order to lounge in the back yard with a box of truffles and some cooking magazines (better not think too long about that one!).  I mean, I still have almost a month until Easter. 

Really and truly, my (overly ambitious?) goals for Lent this year have finally gotten me to look in the mirror and see...a failure.  My house is totally cluttered.  Our finances are in disarray.  I haven't lost much, if any, of my pregnancy baby weight and the baby is now a year old.  No matter how hard I try, I don't get up as early as I'd like to.  And my prayer life, despite being quite sweet, is just too spacey, I think. 

I keep thinking of Romans 7:15:  "For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate."  Not, certainly, that I would compare myself to St. Paul (!), but I keep thinking about this verse, and how I keep falling down, day after day. 

This, I'm thinking, must be what I'm supposed to learn--really learn, not just read or say--this Lent.  That on my own, I really truly am a failure.  Day after day, over and over--baby steps, right?--I have to keep from trying to do everything myself!  How can I continue to be such a slow learner on this one?  Really, how much time am I going to need to get this lesson...like, a lifetime or something?!?

"He who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing."     ~ John 15:5

 

"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."                       ~ Philippians 4:13

 

"I will be present among you and will be your God and you will be my people."     ~ Levticus 26:12

 

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding."     ~ Proverbs 3:5

 

"Commit your way to the LORD, Trust also in Him, and He will do it."     ~ Psalm 37:5

 

"Cease striving and know that I am God."     ~ Psalm 46:10

Sorry, I got a little carried away with the Scripture on this one!  Lovin' those bible verses!